


Picture to Remember

by letmedieinpeace



Category: Stray Kids
Genre: Emotional, Felix is sad, Friends to Lovers to Enemies, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, M/M, aged-up hyunjin, but just a lot of hate, dodgy writing at the beginning but it gets better i swear, drugs and alcohol idk y i didnt put that in sooner, drugs massive plot point, felix is back now but tension, hyunjin lowkey a dick but dont tell him that, jisung and minho hate each other, jisung is ice, jisung left behind, kind of sad, lots of flashbacks, maybe gangs later on, minho is fire, minho is now a main character, minho isnt as mean as he seems i swear, not as angsty as it seems, pretty much everyone has beef at first, rest of stray kids join eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2020-12-01 23:02:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20927579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letmedieinpeace/pseuds/letmedieinpeace
Summary: Felix has left Jisung with nothing but memories and a letter.





	1. Chapter 1

My fingertips, cheeks and nose are red from the cold and my feet ache from the constant thudding against the ground but I keep running. I have to get there before he leaves. How could I have been so dumb to fall for his promises. Just last night he was with me, whispering in my ear all the things we were going to do together, how much he loved me. I should of realised he was saying it all to calm me down so he could leave.

The station quickly comes into view as I carry on running down the street; at the same time I get my wallet out so I can buy a ticket as quickly as possible. Entering the station building I am greeted by stares from people carrying out their daily routines.

Before I can even get to the machine some grabs me from behind and pushes me away. I struggle against them and hit their arm but after hearing them grunt I immediately know who it is.

“Jisung stop punching me,” Minho says through gritted teeth as he carries on pulling me out of the station.

“Minho get off of me! What are you doing! I need to go! I need to go!” I cry out, my voice cracking numerous times.

“Jisung you know I can’t let you go, he’s gone now,” Minho takes us to a side alley, out of the way of other people. Attempting to go back to the station, I try to run away but Minho grabs my arm again.

“But I can get him. I can get on the next train and see him!” I look up into Minho’s eyes for the first time, my eyes still blurry from the tears.

“Jisung, Felix has gone and you know he doesn’t want you to follow him,” Minho holds both of my arms sturdily while staring me straight back into my eyes, “You know he told me not to let you go so stop Jisung. You need to let him go.”

“I don’t want to! At least give me his number! Just so I can talk to him one more time, please,” I beg desperately.

“Jisung you know he told me not to give it to you,” Minho’s eyes soften slightly at the sight of Jisung’s broken eyes, “You need to stop.”

“But I can’t,” I exhale slowly, looking down at the ground and no longer struggling to get Minho off of me. 

Minho wraps his arms slowly around me as I let all the tears roll out of my eyes silently. My chest aches, longing for Felix to be the one telling me that everything will be ok. Each tear just spills out without me noticing as I just stare at the brick wall behind Minho. I feel dumb for crying so much; for letting Felix get so close to me; for falling for everything he said.

“Come on Jisung lets go get something to eat and get out of the cold,” Minho whispers, unwrapping his arms from around me while also taking my wallet out of my pocket to make sure I don’t run off again.

We enter a small cafe next to the station and order a couple of drinks before sitting in the corner. I try to cover my face due to my eyes being bloodshot and my cheeks bright red but ultimately fail. Neither of us speak, not knowing what to say to each other really. Minho and I had only been friends for a short while due to him being more Felix’s friend than mine so we didn’t really know each other that well. I drink my hot coffee immediately hoping that the burning of the drink will replace the constricting feeling in my stomach. Minho can see what I’m doing but doesn’t stop me. 

“Did he say anything to you before he got on the train?” I ask, trying to make conversation with him.

“Not much, just a goodbye and making me promise to keep you away from going after him,” Minho looks down at the table and I feel guilt running through me. I didn’t just lose Felix, Minho did too. This last time he was able to speak to him would have been about me.

“I’m sorry. How do you feel about, uhm, all of this?” I ask steadily, trying to push my thoughts of Felix away so I can talk to Minho.

The boy shrugs while still looking down at the table but I still caught how his hand tightened around the mug as I said Felix’s name.

“I know that he meant a lot to you as well so I’m sorry for acting like that earlier, I should of realised that you are upset as well,” I say quietly, my eyes getting teary again as I think about how dumb I have been and how Felix has really gone now.

“Jisung it’s all fine, stop getting upset ok,” Minho says gruffly, lifting his cup to his lips and avoiding my gaze. I can tell he is hurting in a way that I can’t help with, “It’s not your fault.”

Despite his words, his voice gives me no sense of relief. We stay silent as I finish my drink and try not to think about Felix. Being inside the warm shop has made me realise how cold it really was outside and how dumb I am for running out the apartment in a thin hoodie.

“Jisung I have to go but I have this for you. I didn’t give it to you before because I thought you would want to read it alone,” Minho stands up from the table and hands Jisung an envelope with multiple papers inside.

I watch Minho leave then look down at the weighted envelope in my hand, my finger tracing over Felix’s scrawly handwriting on the front. Just seeing his handwriting makes my eyes tear up again but I don’t let any of them fall; I have had enough of crying today.

The first thing I pull out is a folded up piece of paper. I stare at the letter, too scared to open it for what it may say inside. He has written a lot as both sides of the letter are covered with his messy handwriting,

Dear Jisung,

I can’t believe I am actually writing this but I know that I need to, plus Minho said I should give more to you than just old photos. I know that right now you are either crying or you are angry and punching that dumb “punch” pillow you have or maybe Minho would have listened to what I told him to do and get you to calm down. Hopefully you haven’t given him too much trouble because I know he is as upset as you are. He will probably push you away but please look out for him even if you don’t quite see eye-to-eye.

I think what I really need to say is sorry. I made all those promises to you about letting you come with me or about me staying with you but instead I left. All that time when you were laughing about joining me and just leaving your life made me feel so much guilt. You had just gotten this massive offer here and I had to go back home. I couldn’t let you come to Australia just for me when you have a whole life and opportunity where you already are; that would have just been selfish. When we first talked about me leaving I saw how against it you were, I knew from that point that you wouldn’t let me leave without a fight and I was happy that you needed me so much. But it made this all so much harder to do. I couldn’t break you, I still can’t. I’m a coward Ji’ I can’t see you cry or be upset, especially not at me. Wow I feel strange doing this, it feels so cheesy but I know I need to get it all out to you. I don’t want to go, that’s what I want you to know. If things were up to me, I would stay with you everyday just to feel safe in your arms again. But I can’t do that. One thing I don’t want you to do is follow me because I know what you are like. I know that you will try to find me but you have to promise me you won’t, well promise letter me because I’m not with you. You have probably realised that I have changed my number and all of that and I’m sorry. I wish it could be easier but I have to let you go, otherwise we will be stuck and our relationship won’t end well. I want you to remember all the good times not the days waiting for the other to reply to their message or the constant anxiety if I still love you. Long distance don’t work out like those cheesy love stories make it seem so one of us had to let go first so we would both make it out alive.

Today, well yesterday for you, was one of the best days I have had in a long time because of you. Waking up to you wrapping your legs and arms around me; having a lie in; going to the weird fun fair that comes round every year; you throwing up over the tiniest ride (sorry I had to include it because it was funny); meeting up with the others and watching as many films in the cinema that we could sneak into; you deciding that instead of watching the last film you should make out with me instead (cheeky git); walking to your apartment under the stars and listen to you explode with weird thoughts and scenarios that made me seriously consider whether you are ok or not; and now you are lightly snoring in bed behind me, not knowing what I’m about to do. Damn I am such a dick Jisung, please forgive me one day for leaving you. I’m kind of scared of moving back to Australia. I haven’t been there for so long and having you not with me everyday won’t be easy to get used to. Ugh, I just really hope you understand how much I don’t want to do this to us ok! 

I don’t really know what else to say but I feel like I have more I should say to you. All I need you to remember is I love you and, this is cringe to say but it’s how I feel, probably won’t stop for a long time. Please stay with Minho or at least check up on him and make sure he he doesn’t do anything dumb. Hopefully one day we can meet again I can make this all up to you. I love you Jisung.

Love from, Felix xxx

P.S. you keep snoring and whispering about me in your sleep which is highly amusing.

P.P.S. in the envelope there are all of our photos together because I thought you could finally start that wall of photos you wanted to do since forever and I don’t think I can handle having them all with me.

Love you

  
  


I look up from the letter, tears now leaving my eyes as I look at the little patches on the paper where his tears had probably hit. Placing down the letter, I pick up the envelope and let the pictures all fall out. Pictures of us at all the different places we had gone together, some dumb and some cute. Some with just him taken by me or of me taken by him. I look at each photo and remember each date as though it were yesterday. A small part of me is angry that he couldn’t just keep one of the photos just to show me that he wanted to save at least something of me. Each photo brings more memories back, all the way to when we first got together. I shove them all back into the envelope roughly, not really caring about what damage I did to them. My head falls into my hands as I try to not yell out in anger, upset and pain. He has left me here with everything, all these memories and things to remember him by while he has nothing!

That’s when I realise that there is a photo missing. The first photo we took together as a couple. Quickly, I go back through the photos but it isn’t there. I remember it due to Felix having it in his phone case everyday for a year. It was a photo of us lying on the grass together, me with daisies in my head and Felix with daffodils. Felix loved how chubby my cheeks looked and I loved how much his freckles shone against his skin. I smile slightly to myself and feel a slight bit of relief wash over me.

He hasn’t just left me with everything, he has taken a photo as well to keep me close to him. And that was enough to let me know that I will be fine.


	2. Four Years Later

“I am not fine,” I huff as I make my way begrudgingly to Minho’s run down home on the far side of town; his housemates had called me ten times in the past hour begging me to drag him out of bed and out of the house for fresh air, “I am just a robot made to get this human moving.”

From what I had been told, Minho had gone out the other night with some friends and hasn’t left his room since. For all I care, he could be dead but I know I won’t be as lucky. If it were up to me, I would leave his ass in his room; rotting away into his sheets. But I had made a promise, of sorts, to look out for him no matter what shit he puts me through. 

His house comes into view as I turn another road identical to the last. My feet slow down as I try to take as long as I could to get to the house. The pavement was littered with muddy leaves, cigarette butts and empty cans reminding me how little I like going to Minho’s house. It wasn’t the area that I disliked, I really couldn’t give any fucks about it, but instead the constant memories I get as I walk down the road that always puts me in a worse mood than I was before. Due to it being autumn, all the leaves had fallen from the trees and had now become piles on the ground of dark browns and oranges; the sky covered like a blanket with clouds; and the constant threat of rain to start pouring down at any moment. Inside my shoes my toes had frozen together, making my feet ache as they fell against the pavement harshly. Reaching the broken gate outside his house caused a deep sigh to fall from my mouth before I had even entered the property. Previously, Minho’s other housemates had given me a spare key due to Minho continuously getting locked out and because I came over a lot to sort the man out.

Luckily, no one is in as I storm up the stairs, two steps at a time, and go straight to Minho/s room. His room stinks of booze and sweat as I tip toe over his dirty clothes to get to the window and open the curtains. Somewhere amongst all the clothes on his bed comes a groan and a couple of swear words.

“What the fuck Jisung?! Get out!” despite not even looking up at me, Minho knew I was the culprit of the light now flooding into his room die to how many times I had come in to get him up. I had given up a long time ago at gently getting him up and instead know that just getting straight to the point of getting him up is the only way.

“Stop acting so surprised and get up. I’ll be downstairs making you something to eat and then we are leaving the house. If you don’t come in five minutes I will just come back up and pour water on you so hurry up,” ignoring the groans from the man, I go back downstairs and start making some toast and boil the kettle. On the side by the fridge is a note addressed to Minho from one of his housemates. As I wait for the toast to pop I lean against the counter and open the note, knowing full well that Minho won’t realise it is there until it is too late.

-Hyunjin came over again. I know you don’t want to get Jisung involved but I think it is the best thing to do right now.

\- Seokmin

Rage waves through my body as I scrunch the paper up in my hand and turn around to put both of my hands on the counter, trying to calm down. I jump slightly at the toast popping from the toaster and Minho entering just as it does.

“Where does Mingyu keep his jam?” I barely hear Minho mutter to himself, “Whats up with you now?”

“What is wrong with you! Were you dropped on your head or something as a kid? How fucking dumb are you?!” I scream at him, waving the note around.

Minho snatches it from my hands and reads the note quickly before staring back up at me.

“Knowing you, you weren’t going to tell me were you! Fucking idiot. Last time you were left with nothing and now you are going back to him!” I yell, storming back off towards the door.

“It doesn’t need to concern you Jisung so just stay out of it! Stop going through my shit and coming to my house pretending you care!” Minho follows me, still holding his toast.

“You think I voluntarily come here? I only come because your dumbass is incompitent enough to not be able to leave your room so your fucking housemates call me over!” I open the door and begin to leave the property.

“The only reason you actually come is because of that dumb promise to a guy who never cared about you!” Minho yells, not caring about how loud he was being as the neighbourhood had pretty much heard every single one of our arguments and don’t seem to care.

I stop, however, in my tracks and turn back to the unshaven man in the doorway, “You know what, I don’t care what happens or what you do so goodbye Minho. I’m done with helping you and your shitty life. And just so you know I help you because a part of me still feels guilty but that is all gone now.”

“See how much I care, I never said I wanted you near me!” I hear his voice call from behind me but I carry on walking back to the bus stop.

It has been almost four years since Felix had left for Australia, leaving Minho and I to make a hell amongst ourselves. No matter what, neither of us managed to get on and quickly our relationship turned hostile to the tipping point where the police had to get involved. Still, I have tried to hold on so something in my life will be constant even though I know it is a bad decision. Even on the one time moments when me and him are decent to each other, there is still some kind of tension in the air that makes it hard to broaden our relationship. After having so many arguments, I no longer feel the sting his words used to have on me. Instead, each time I see him, I light a cigarette and blame it on Minho for fueling my addiction.

It has always been like this; since the moment Felix left. I used to think he was only mean to me because he was upset about Felix leaving but I know now that that excuse is too overused now. He simply doesn’t like me no matter what and I don’t like him back either.

Four Years ago:

_ “Minho open up! I thought that maybe today we could go out to see that new film!” Jisung yells from behind the door that was always shut for him. He had been outside Minho’s old apartment (before his house share he is in now) for five minutes, knowing full well that the boy was on the other side. _

_ It had been a week since Felix had left and Jisung had finally stopped crying over him. He hadn’t spoken to Minho since Felix had left and felt the need to repay him. When the door did open, Changbin stood in the doorway looking Jisung up and down with a look of disgust. _

_ “Look mate can you stop banging, Minho doesn’t feel like coming out right now,” Changbin yawned, already shutting the door on Jisung. _

_ “Wait stop. Are you sure because I kind of owe him a coffee?” Jisung mutters, kind of intimidated by the older boy despite knowing he is harmless. Jisung and Changbin had crossed paths multiple times before mostly on good terms but without Felix there, he felt like a stranger to the other.  _

_ “Jisung, he isn’t bothered or interested. Let me say this in the best way possible, despite whatever Felix told you to do after he left, Minho doesn’t want to become friends with a boy who balls his eyes out for a week because someone they cared about left to do what they wanted in life. He said that he thinks that you are self centred for not just letting Felix go and that you need to sort yourself out before you come ordering around here,” Changbin said in a nonchalant manner. _

_ Jisung let the words sink in, pressing his nails into his palms, but he doesn’t give Changbin any signs of upset. _

_ “Well tell him I have gotten his message but have no intention of listening to whatever he is telling me to do if he can’t come and tell me this all himself. If he thinks he can get his little guard dog to come do his bidding and tell me what I need to do then I guess it isn’t a big deal. See you Changbin,” Jisung makes sure the last part is loud enough for Minho to hear inside the apartment before turning on his heels and walking back down the corridor. _

_ That was the first of many hurtful things Minho had managed to say or get others to say to Jisung which Jisung learned to just push to the side and ignore. However, it didn’t make him give up trying to be Minho’s friend, _

_ Up until Hyunjin got involved. _


	3. Chapter 3

Writing letters has become the only way to let out all my anger out about Minho without using my fists. I guess Felix inspired me to do it as he was too much of a coward to tell me everything to my face and wrote it as a letter instead. Lately though, my letters are mostly the same as I rant about Minho or how I blame Felix for leaving me here with him. I wasn’t warned about the upset Minho would leave me feeling long after getting over Felix’s sudden leave.

But now I’m at my desk with a blank piece of paper in front of me and no idea what to even write. I’m so done with this ongoing hatred between Minho and I that it makes me mad to think about but I can’t do anything about it.

So much has happened because of Minho and I so even if we did somehow fix things, life wouldn’t go back to how it used to. However, despite everything my life is still going on as it should be. I have a job, my own apartment and a firm head on my shoulders which is a whole lot more than what Minho has going for him (even when I’m trying to think about myself he comes and interrupts my thoughts).

“Jisung! Open the door I have been knocking for ages!” Chan’s voice knocks me out of my head space.

“Coming!” I yell as I get out of my chair and go to open the main door to the apartment, “Sorry I didn’t hear you, I zoned out.”

“It’s fine, was just getting a bit cold standing out there,” Chan chuckles as he enters, “I have some news for you though and I don’t really know how you will take it.”

“If it is about Minho getting back in contact with Hyunjin, then I already know. I don’t-”

“Felix is back.”

  
  
  


-

  
  


“Whatever Jisung, I don’t need you. I managed without you most of my life,” I huff as I go back into the house and get the toast from the toaster. Ever since Felix left he has never left me alone just to do what I want to do. Even though there was a small period when I did rely on him, that time was long ago.

The toast is burnt beyond edibility from the shitty toaster no one had bothered to replace so instead I grab my phone, wallet, keys and leave the house. Hopefully, Mcdonalds is still serving their breakfast menu.

Waking up to Jisung wasn’t how I had wanted my day to begin; preferably I wanted to wake up when the sun was beginning to set and then stay out late. Life at night is just a lot more interesting and calming than that of the day. Plus it is when you get to see what people are really like and where the real fun starts.

This weather is the exact reason I hate autumn. Everything is wet and dreary making the atmosphere feel dull therefore putting me in a worse mood. Beneath me, my feet are slowly becoming more and more damp as water seeps through and I can feel the back of my shoe rub against my ankle. It is an all too familiar feeling but it is still uncomfortable as I feel the blister on the back of my foot worsen.

The rain starts to get harder as I walk making my jumper soaked through completely but the familiar golden arches of Mcdonalds quickly lifts my spirits as I turn the corner. As I enter I immediately sigh with relief as the breakfast menus are still up and race to the counter in hopes of getting three hash browns and an egg mcmuffin.

“Three hashbrowns and an egg mcmuffin please,” I say as soon as I reach the counter, still fumbling through my pockets for loose change to hopefully pay for my breakfast of kings.

“Well considering you are here for the breakfast menu I take it either you never slept last night or Jisung went to pay you a visit this morning,” a familiar voice says from behind the counter, “And considering you are able to stand under these lights without sunglasses leads me to believe Jisung is the cause of you being here.”

“Ding ding ding Jeongin, now get me my breakfast before a collapse on the floor and sue you for endangering your customers,” I say, now looking up and into the young boy’s face.

“Yes sir, but you know we have better cameras now so you can’t pull that trick anymore. Anyway I have news for you today that I bet you don’t know.”

“Don’t you have other customers to deal with?”

“Yes Minho this place is crammed with people for a Sunday morning,” Jeongin rolls his eyes and waves around the almost empty shop, ”Now listen to me. Firstly, that cat has been appearing again round back and you are the only person we know who can remove it before I get my eyes clawed out the next time I go to take out the rubbish.”

“You treat the poor cat as though she is possessed by the devil, the poor thing,” the cat was only a small one that obviously lived on the streets but none of us can look after her.

“Yeah yeah yeah, whatever,” Jeongin waved me off, “the uhm second piece of news is kind of hard to explain. You see I heard this from Changbin who heard it from Woojin who apparently heard it from Chan even though I thought they weren’t talking anymore which is weird isn’t it? I wonder why they are suddenly talking again?”

“Jeongin get back to the point,” I interrupt, now curious about what he is saying.

“Felix is back.”

  
  


-

  
  


I was stupid for thinking that coming back would be easy. Everything feels so different now and I have no idea where to go. I came back to see everyone again but I don’t even know where anyone is. I didn’t bother to check up with them before I flew over in fear that they would reject me before I even arrived. 

I don’t even know where everyone is at in their life. The last person I spoke to was Chan a couple of months ago about how I was thinking about coming back to Korea. He had told me how a lot had changed and not in a good way. However, since then he hasn’t spoken to me much and so coming here I feel that I am overstepping into somewhere I’m not meant to be. My relationship with Minho completely deteriorated once I left. At first I thought he was just trying to get used to the distance by not talking to me as much but then he completely stopped answering my calls or replying to my messages.

All I know is that I can’t see Jisung. Not after how I left him.

And I need to make sure Hyunjin doesn’t know I’m here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry i have been gone for so long I just lost interest but now i want to complete this  
plus i wrote most of this in the middle of the night so excuse the writing


	4. Chapter 4

**Felix PoV**

This was a dumb idea.

I’m now standing outside the airport with all my luggage next to me, frozen in place as the rain obscures my vision. No one is here to pick me up and I have nowhere to go. Instead I’m standing in the rain without a jacket while people around me are being picked up by their loved ones. 

It probably isn’t the best thing to watch happy couples be together while you are feeling your lowest but there isn’t much else I can do. I know I should call Chan or someone but after being ignored for a month by him I don’t really know what to do. When I left for Australia I would have kept more ties with people if I knew I was going to come back like this. It was just so hard to keep up with everyone and fight the urge to come back to them all. I can’t get a cab as I have nowhere to tell them to go. Even if I call up Chan he will probably be with Jisung so that is a hard no; Jeongin and I were never close so I can’t just call him to pick me up; Changbin would make me pay him for a lift like he always did in the past; that just leaves Minho but he made it clear while I was away that he didn’t want to see me.

Now I’m back at square one with Chan’s number looking up at me from my phone as my thumb hovers over the call button. Fuck it.

“Hey Chan, I need your help.”

……………………………………………………….

**Jisung's PoV**

My brain immediately freezes after hearing what Chan had to say; my mouth just hanging open as my brain tries to come up with something to say.

“Hey Jisung,” Chan waves a hand in front of my face, “ You good there buddy?”

My eyes focused back onto Chan as some sort of gurgle noise arose from my throat causing me to choke on saliva. Fuck fuck fuck he can’t be back! That’s not how this was meant to go. He was meant to leave and never come back while I get over him and make questionable decisions along the way. Everything has fallen to pieces over here. He can't see me like this, still broken by him leaving and everything that happened between me and his best friend.

“Please tell me your joking. Chan I’m not fucking around right now don’t joke about this!” I finally manage to say after a whole lot of choking and coughing.

“I’m not mate. He called me around a month ago about coming back but I thought it was only a passing thought and he would continue to stay in Australia. But then today I checked his twitter and he is flying over here today.”

A silence falls upon us as I let everything Chan said settle in. This isn’t fair! This isn’t fair! This isn’t fair! He can’t just come back to all of us after leaving the way he did. I don’t care if it seems dramatic because it isn’t fair on me or the others he left behind.

“I need another smoke. Come with me to the shop,” I sigh, grabbing my phone, wallet, keys and box of fags. Neither of us talk as we make our wait out of the dingy building, both of us holding our breaths as we pass a suspicious looking plastic bag that was left on the staircase

As soon as we leave the building I pull out my fags and light one up. I don’t bother to offer one to Chan as I know he disapproves of my habit and that he will go off about how it will ruin my health. It’s not like I smoke a lot, only when I’m stressed. The first inhale is always the best as it immediately calms everything down and I can think clearly.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner instead of leaving it to now?” I exhaled slowly as our feet hit against the pavement. The rain was still ongoing but not as much as before, only the light rain that obscures your vision and makes your fingers cold.

“I didn’t think he was being serious. Also when he told me I kind of freaked out a bit and didn’t say anything. I guess I was trying to discourage him… I don’t know,” Chan’s eyes stay focused on his shoes as he looks down at the ground.

I frown and look at him not understanding why he wanted to discourage Felix. Out of everyone, Chan was probably the one who would want Felix back the most. I have known for ages how much Chan wishes Felix stayed and kept the group together instead of everything falling to shit. I’ve seen him staring at his phone, hovering over the call button for the other guys but not being able to actually press it as he knows they don’t want to talk to him anymore. It hurts to see how everything has affected the others, not just Minho and I.

“Why do you not want him to come back? Isn’t that what you have wanted for ages?” I finish my fag and stump it out on a bin outside the local corner shop before we enter.

“No, I have always wished that he never left in the first place. I don’t want him to come back and see the mess we have all created. It isn’t a nice place to be anymore especially not for him.”

I snigger at him and grab a basket as we enter the shop, “What have you been smoking? You sound almost pathetic. He left us! Who cares what he will come back to, he doesn’t even need to come back to us he can go off and make new friends. He already did it before.” My anger started to slip out at the last part, half of me was mad that Chan was almost victimising Felix and half of me was mad that the cause of destruction in our group was due to me.

Neither of us bother to pick up the conversation after that and instead only talk about the food I grab; mainly Chan telling me to stop eating cheap junk food.

*Flashback*

_ “Fuck sake, where is my wallet?” a familiar angry voice interrupts Jisung’s thought process as he tries to decide what cereal to buy. Confused, he turned his head towards the self checkout area and saw a frustrated Minho patting down his jeans trying to find his wallet. Jisung looks down at what Minho is buying and sees it is only a pack of drinks and some random snacks. _

_ “Uhh, hey Minho. Do you need some help?” Jisung cautiously made his way up to him, having not seen him since he got shooed away by Changbin at Minho’s door, “You aren’t buying much so I can buy these for you and you can pay me back later.” _

_ Minho carried on trying to find his wallet, obviously ignoring Jisung. _

_ “Mate you aren’t going to magically find it by continuously patting yourself down. Look,” and in one quick movement, Jisung pushed him out the way and swiped his card in front of the scanner and put his things into a bag, “Here you go.” _

_ “Jisung I don’t need you to come and help me,” Minho sighs as he looks down at the bag Jisung had packed. _

_ “I know but now you have your drinks and I can go away knowing I did something good today,” Jisung beams up at him, only a little bit of his sarcasm coming out. He can tell Minho was mad by him coming over and solving his problem instead of letting him get on with it but the bags under his eyes tell him that Minho didn’t have the energy to get angry. _

_ “Whatever, thanks,” Minho shrugs and leaves the shop, barely giving Jisung a glance as he puts his hood up. _

_ Jisung quickly decided on a cereal and went back to the checkout area to pay, not realising the eyes that were waiting for him outside the shop. The cold immediately seeped through his clothes as Jisung stepped outside, his shoulders automatically becoming hunched. _

_ “Jisung!” he heard someone call from behind him as I began to walk away, “Wait Jisung!” _

_ The boy in question turned around and was met with Minho’s tired eyes right in front of his face. _

_ “That is me,” Jisung said, confused as to why the tired boy was wanting to talk to him again. _

_ “I really am thankful for you paying for my stuff and seeing as we live in the same direction I thought that I should walk with you and I can give you money when we get to my house or I will forget,” Minho rushes out, his hands slightly fidgety as he talks. _

_ Jisung squinted his eyes at him, trying to work out what happened to the frustrated Minho from earlier but he nodded, “Sounds like a plan captain. Lets go.” _

_ Once they started walking Jisung soon realised what a bad idea this was as neither of them had ever been alone together before and didn’t know how to start a conversation. Jisung could tell Minho was trying to come up with something to say by the look on his face but nothing was forming. Jisung swore inwardly as he realised how the walk home was already long and now it will feel even longer with the awkward silence that displayed itself between Minho and him. _

_ “Would you like a can?” Minho’s voice makes him jump as he offers Jisung one of the cans from the pack of beers he bought. He already had another one open in his hand. _

_ Jisung accepted the drink straight away realising that maybe it will make the walk more bearable and it meant he could get a free drink. _

_ “I hope this kind of makes up for what happened the other week…” Minho says, his eyes looking down almost guiltily, “I have been thinking about what you said to Changbin, well more yelled, and realised I was being childish by just ignoring you. I was still mad that Felix just left and yeah.” _

_ “Oh. Yeah this does make up for it but does this mean we could maybe hang out then instead of you avoiding me?” Jisung asked, a tad bit nervous of what the answer will be. _

_ “Yeah I think we should. But please don’t start crying about Felix to me, I really don’t want to think about him,” Jisung smiled at his answer but completely overlooked the last part of Minho’s sentence. The hidden resentment behind his words going straight over Jisung’s head. _

_ “How come you’re so tired, if you don’t mind me asking?” Jisung changed the conversation away from Felix as it still stirred up something inside of him just thinking about the boy that left him. _

_ “Oh, work. Just got a new job and it takes a lot of energy out of me,” Minho chuckles slightly but nothing about his voice suggests anything positive. _

_ “I thought you were working at that coffee shop by the station? What happened to that?” Jisung was a regular at the hidden, rundown coffee shop with Felix as they would get free drinks from Minho if they did him a favour. This varied from buying lunch or running to the post office to get a package Minho had forgotten to pick up. _

_ “Got bored. This new job is a lot more exciting for me. What about you, you still working at the music shop in town? I never see you in there anymore,” Minho quickly diverted the conversation away from himself as though afraid he will say something wrong. _

_ “Uh, hehe, yeah I got fired from there,” Jisung chuckled slightly, taking a large swig from the half drunk beer. _

_ “To be honest I’m really not surprised. You were always late, would ‘borrow’ CDs and would use the PA system to sing and promote your songs,” Minho made finger quotation marks before he chugged the last of his beer and threw it in the bin. _

_ “I needed to promote my music somewhere! I got quite a few people to buy my CD as well,” Jisung said proudly but ultimately laughing at it as well, “Kind of gutted about losing that job as it was easy and I could listen to music all day. Now I’m stuck working at a supermarket stocking shelves but I tell you right now I will start playing my music in through the speakers even if I get fired for it.” _

_ “I don’t know if your plain stupid or determind,” Minho shook his head while a tired smile stuck to his face. _

_ For the rest of the walk they continued talking and laughing, both of them realising there was so much of the other that they didn’t know. And that is when Jisung’s view of Minho began to change. _

*End of flashback*

I shook my head and grabbed a random cereal box from the shelf, desperately trying to get the dumb memory of Minho and I out of my head.

“Really, whole grain cereal? I don’t think you will like that mate,” Chan chuckles before taking the cereal out of the basket and replacing it with a cereal that suits my taste buds a lot better.

“I’m done now let me pay and we can head back,” I made my way to the self checkout, purposely not going to the same checkout from that memory out of spite or pain from the memories I don’t know.

I pay and leave the shop quickly, my mood having neither gotten better or worse since I left. I’m greeted by Chan’s back as he talks quickly down the phone.

“Nah mate I can't, I'm busy. I’m really sorry. Oh shit, I gotta go now but I will message you an address and just go there for now ok,” Chan quickly hangs up the phone and smiles at me which I ignore.

“Who was that?” I ask blatantly, not caring if I come off rude.

“Doesn’t matter, just let me really quickly send a message and then we can leave.”

As Chan looks down at his phone again, I take a quick glance at what he is doing. The person he is messaging is covered by his hand but I manage to see the address.

Minho’s address.

  
  


……………………………………….

**Minho's PoV**   
  


“Cool, he is going to be in for a surprise when he comes back,” I sigh, trying to sound light hearted but something inside starts to panic at the thought of Felix returning. Jeongin just smiles down at me, him obviously seeing through my facade.

“Would love to help you there but you need to move out the way for the other customers behind you,” Jeongin finally says as he pushes my head out the way. I turn behind me and see two other people waiting in the line.

Felix coming back is really not what I want right now. Especially not that Hyunjin is hanging around me again; he doesn’t need to know about all of that. He especially doesn’t need to know about what happened between Jisung and I. I was meant to look after his ex but ultimately I caused more harm than good. God, what is he going to think of me?

“Number 15! 15!” one of the servers behind the counter called. I quickly make my way to the station and grab my food knowing full well what happens if you take too long as it wasn’t too long ago that I would take people’s food.

Leaving the shop the rain immediately greets me and blurs my vision. I grab one of the hash browns from the bag and make my way back down the road, Felix still on my mind.

As soon as Felix left the country I had ignored him out of spite for him making me deal with his actions of leaving Jisung. I had felt forgotten about and blamed everything on him. When I did message him on the rare occasions it was never like our previous messages that were filled with jokes and friendship. Once contact between him and I completely ended, guilt did set in for pushing him away so much and being mad but it was too late and I was already in trouble here to deal with him over in Australia.

Finishing my first hash brown, I put the paper back in the bag and got another one out, my mood finally lifting now that food was in my stomach. I need to stop worrying about Felix coming back. It isn’t like I am going to see him anyway. He doesn’t have my address and isn’t close with any of the old friends apart from Chan who will probably end up looking after Felix when he comes back. All I have to do is pray Chan won’t let Felix near me which isn’t hard to do seeing as Chan hates me and said I was poisonous to be around. This should all be fine and I can go about my life without my old best friend bothering me.

I save my last hash brown for when I get in as it has started to go cold so I will stick it in the microwave when I get in. The house isn’t far away now anyway meaning I don’t have to stay in this miserable weather much longer. My hair is soaked and sticking to my face but my body is sweating from the humidity of the weather.

The poorly painted green door of the house comes into view as I make my way down the road. My step turns into a slight jog as I try to get my keys out my pocket, desperately wanting to get out of this rain. I fumble for the lock but finally push open the door before I hear a voice from behind me.

“Hey Minho.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to clear up some stuff:  
\- Jisung is still upset over Felix but he is more angry of the damage Felix caused by leaving not because of his feelings for him  
\- I wanted to show a nicer side of Minho in the flashback  
\- Sorry it took me a long time, I'm really lazy


	5. Chapter 5

Everything around me froze as I turned towards the voice; the rain no longer my main cause of concern as I stepped out of my doorway.

Felix looked back at me, a slight smile on his face but there was a hidden look behind his eyes that caused me to look away. Anger that had resided inside of me over the years all started bubbling up as the man that had been the igniter for most of my problems smiled at me.

My fists ball up in an attempt to calm the fire within me as Felix tries to come towards me. Not saying a word, I turn on my heel and shut the door hopefully to lock the man out. I should be happy to see my best friend and to let go of all the guilt I have felt over the years. But I can’t let myself go near him as the fire that is raging within me starts to make my head cloudy with memories of what has happened since he left; as though each flame represented a memory.

However, before the door could shut, Felix’s foot wedged between the door and the frame. I sigh but still don’t bother to acknowledge the latter as I dump my bag on the side table and take my shoes off.

A pair of arms suddenly snake round my waist and I feel Felix’s head rest against my back.

“Please don’t ignore me anymore,” I hear him whisper, a slight crack in his voice as he wraps his arms round tighter.

“Felix get off of me,” I say calmly, not wanting him to know the true venom behind my words. Instead of removing his arms from around me they become tighter. A small exhale falls out of my lips as the warmth of his body cuts through my wet jumper.

“I know you are mad at me but please don’t shut me out. I have nowhere to go,” Felix begs, still holding on to me. My heart aches slightly as I think of his face scrunched up on my back trying not to cry.

But the cold fire in my chest prevents me from turning around and returning his hug.

“Get off me and leave, please,” I say through gritted teeth, now trying to unravel his arms.

“Why are you trying to shut me out so hard? I’m not the one that ignored the messages and calls,” Felix suddenly shouts, pushing himself off of me. His nose slightly flared and his jaw clenched shut as he glared at me.

“You left! I was just trying to make it easier! You are the one that ran off to another country and left me here!” I say back, not raising my voice as much as Felix’s.

“You’re joking right! You’re mad that I went back home! You expected me just to stay here with you after I found out I had to go home! Why are you still mad about all of this, it was five fucking years ago! Fucking grow up and accept that I had to leave,” Felix scoffed at me as though what I said was the most absurd reason ever.

All I could do was laugh at his lack of knowledge of everything that has happened since he left.

“Chan gave you my address didn’t he. Fucking cunt probably thought I would be happy to see you,” I click my tongue and look away from Felix’s face that was growing in anger.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ignoring him I turn around and walk to the kitchen, finally putting my almost empty bag of hash browns on the counter, “I would have thought he told you but I guess you really are clueless. You know nothing about what has happened here since you left so let me give you a nice run down,” I turn back towards the other man. Thank god no one else is home, first an argument with Jisung and now this.

Felix follows me to the kitchen, his eyes still filled with fire but curiosity also shining through.

“Let's get this over quickly. The group has completely split up, none of us talk to each other except for me and Changbin and Jisung and Chan I think. Jeongin no longer trusts anyone after the shit we all put him through. Jisung still holds on to all of your dumb words that you told him in that shitty letter, which drives me fucking crazy everyday. After you left he insisted on hanging out with me and newsflash my guy it all went to shit after we both got involved with the police. You did him fucking dirty as you left him here and then I got him into more shit as he didn’t know how to deal with you leaving. And you might be thinking, why did he hold on so much. Because you promised him you wouldn’t leave, but instead you left him a letter and made me look after him. You didn’t even give him your number. Jisung is now just a fucking ghost that haunts me no matter how much we despise each other because of you,” my voice slowly rises but I try to not say too many details as much as possible, knowing it won’t do any good.

“Minho what the fuck has this got to do with me! From the sound of it, this is all your fault and you can’t accept it!” Felix then yells at me.

“You want to know what you did. You fucking left me with nothing. You say that it isn’t a big deal but you are the one that left me with a broken boy. When you left all you cared about was Jisung and how you were going to leave him. The last thing you said to me was “Look after him”. Do you know how much that fucking hurt. That you cared more about some dumb boy than your best friend so excuse me if I blame you for leaving your mess to me. Maybe if you dealt with Jisung better and helped everything wouldn’t be complete crap now,” I smiled sarcastically at the end, explaining how obvious the answer was.

“You’re right. I should have dealt with it all better but at the time that is all I could do. But that does not give you the right to blame everything after that on me! You are your own person, you can make your own decisions Minho.”

“Well Jisung fucking couldn’t and I was stuck looking after him because of you. I don’t care what you have to say anymore. It isn’t fair of you to come back and expect it all to be fine,” I sigh in frustration, the fire inside of me starting to calm but still flickered at my chest.

Both of us stood in silence, Felix obviously not knowing what to do next and me just waiting for him to leave. Bored of standing in place, I get my cold hashbrown and put it in the microwave before resting my head against the cupboards above and shutting my eyes to think.

“Felix just leave. I don’t care where you go as long as it isn’t near me,” I say, my eyes still shut against the cupboard.

“I’m not going anywhere before I sort things out with you,” Felix says calmly, his footsteps coming towards me slowly.

“Get out Felix I haven’t got the fucking patience for all this right now,” I turn around abruptly, stopping Felix in his tracks, the fire inside of my sparking back up.

Both of us stare at each other in silence; conflicting emotions passing across Felix’s face as he decides what to do.

“DING” the microwave goes off, interrupting the intense eye contact between me and the other man. I turn back towards the microwave and take out the hash brown. Felix’s footsteps come towards me again before I feel his arms wrap around me.

“I don’t know what has happened to you to be filled with such fire but I’m sorry and I will make it up to you,” Felix says quietly as he hugged me from behind. Before I could push him off, Felix unwraps himself and makes his way back towards the front door. I don’t turn around until I hear the door shut.

I exhale deeply, not realising how much I was holding in. Exhaustion fills up inside of me like a flood wiping out all the flames.

After every argument I have with someone no matter who they are I am left with guilt and fatigue. I hate it so much and want it to stop but I know that if I just make up with someone we will get in an argument again and the cycle carries on so what’s the point? My legs slowly give out as I hold my now warm hash brown and slide to the floor. The back of my head leans against the cupboard as I sit staring up at the ceiling; all of my limbs suddenly too tired to pick myself up again.

Please can this all stop, the constant arguments and lies and crying every night over the dumb decisions I have made. I take a bite from the hash brown, still staring at the ceiling as I wait for a sign from somewhere to tell me to get up and carry on with my day.

Then the phone went off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only a small chapter because I wanted to focus of minho and felix  
i also didnt want to include too many details about what has happened between jisung and minho because that is all for later  
i cant remember what else i was going to say so enjoy and please leave a comment


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for clarification, in the flashback all of them are the same age roughly which is 20/21 so it isnt with their in real life ages. Jeongin is 19 and is the youngest and Minho, Changbin and Chan are 21 making them the oldest  
Hyunjin however is a few years older than all of them, roughly 5 so he is older than all of them  
hope that makes sense as I realised I needed them to all be kind of young and the same age  
obviously, present day is 4 years later  
enjoy

**Flashback**

_ It was like any other Friday; Jisung making his way to Minho’s apartment with a half eaten tube of pringles in one hand and a bag of beers in the other. The night air was cool against his skin but refreshing compared to the sticky warmth of the day. _

_ “Maybe I should have bought a jacket” Jisung sighs, hunching his shoulders in slightly but still reaching into the almost empty tube of pringles. That's the thing with spring time, it can be hot during the day especially in the sun but then freezing at night but that was how Jisung liked it. Everything felt clearer in his head as the moon and stars shone down on him. Although, as much as Jisung loved going for night time walks under the stars, the walk to Minho’s house always managed to frustrate him to the point of wanting to just walk back home. It was either the never ending road Jisung had to walk down where each house looked the exact same or the fact that the bus Jisung needed to take was never on time leaving him to then walk down another really long road. Despite this, Jisung still goes the distance to Minho’s apartment just so he can spend time with him. _

_ Jisung couldn’t help but smile about going to see Minho. Over the last two months, the two of them finally started hanging out as friends, the ice between them now gone. Neither of them had realised how much of a match they were for each other, making Jisung get excited for every Friday the two of them spent together. Admittedly, it wasn’t just the two of them, Changbin, Chan and Jeongin also joined them but the boy still looked forward to it. Plus he knew the walk would do him good instead of staying in his own rundown shithole of an apartment. Friday was the one day of the week he looked forward to as he was finally free of all his responsibilities with the absence of work that day and the availability to see his friends. _

_ It was also the one day of the week where he could see Minho. Jisung slightly regrets not bothering to get to know Minho while he and Felix were dating but now that they are finally friends he never wanted it to end. Looking back on his relationship with Felix, Jisung realised how closed off he had become. He rarely hung out with his other friends and neither did Felix, both of them deciding that each other's company was all that they needed; but he now realised how lonely that was. Not only that but he also saw how much his other friends had wanted to also hang out with him. There was a weird tension between them all when Jisung had begun to hang out with them again, none of them knew what to say to him after he had partially ignored them for almost two years. But they quickly managed to get past that and Jisung was finally back with his friends. _

_ That thought also brought a smile to Jisung’s face, but it quickly left when his fingers hit the bottom of the can of pringles. Especially now that he realised he had eaten the only snack Minho had asked for and he didn’t have any others. _

_ “Fuck, well its the bus’ fault for not being there on time so i had to walk further,” Jisung muttered, trying to look around for a bin to put the empty tube in but nothing was around him except the same design of houses stretching as far as he could see. _

_ Both Minho’s apartment block and the twin block next to it stood just past the estate area Jisung had to walk through. Each time, Jisung always felt as though they were mocking him as he walked towards them as he could see them towering over the estate but no matter how much he walked, it still felt like they were ages away. The number of times Jisung had slept on this road while drunk had become ridiculous as he would get too dizzy and tired to walk the rest of the way. What made the walk even worse was the fact that Jisung broke his already dingy earphones by dropping them in water and then after getting them out, stepping on them. _

_ Finally coming to the end of the extraordinary long road, which might be a slight exaggeration on Jisung’s half, the boy looked up at the two apartment blocks and smiled. _

_ “Now I just need to go up the million flights of stairs,” Jisung thought, a deep exhale falling out of his mouth as he realised the full workout he had to do just to see his friends, “is it really worth it…” _

_ Each flight smelt like someone had taken a shit on the landing and then died on top of it; it was so bad that Jisung was convinced someone actually had died at one point. The temptation to open a can of beer really started to play on the boy’s mind once he got half way up. He pushed the thought back while silently cursing Minho for living on one of the top floors of a building where the lift doesn’t work. _

_ Finally at Minho’s floor, Jisung pushes open the heavy doors to the staircase to the open balcony corridor which leads to the doors of the apartments. Despite Jisung’s fear of heights, he always enjoyed the view outside Minho’s apartment, especially at night, when he could see the lights from random houses illuminate the night. It made the world feel less lonely as he knew there were people in each of those rooms in those houses living their own life. _

_ Before Jisung even reached Minho’s front door, he could hear people laughing inside and see silhouettes of his friends through the window by the door. Like every Friday, the door was unlocked, as Minho had claimed that he couldn’t be bothered to open it for everyone who comes in. _

_ Entering, Jisung is greeted by Minho’s loud shrieks, Changbin shouting and Jeongin standing on the sofa. None of them notice him as Jisung stands in the doorway watching as Minho runs around with a pair of underwear on his head and Changbin desperately trying to chase him. Jisung noticed the several already drunken cans of beer on the table and managed to piece two and two together that both of them were probably on the drunken side of life. _

_ “Ahhhhhhhhh! No! Ahh!” Minho shrieked as Changbin started swiping at his head for, what Jisung assumed, was his own underwear. _

_ Before Jisung could announce his arrival, after being ignored for longer than he wanted, Minho had turned to run away from Changbin again but instead ran straight into Jisung leaving both of them crumpled up outside of Minho’s apartment. Neither of them had enough time to brace themself for impact as Minho landed straight on top of Jisung leaving the poor boy winded on the harsh concrete floor. _

_ “Oh shit, Jisung! I am so sorry! Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Minho started rambling, immediately getting off of Jisung’s now bruised body. _

_ Jisung huffed and rolled on the floor, still trying to catch his breath, “Jesus Christ Minho, you might wanna lay off all those sweets you like for a bit.” _

_ “Excuse me? I’m fighting fit,” Minho cried out, only slightly slurred but still giggling over the events that just happened. _

_ “And we want to keep you that way,” Jisung laughed, now trying to get up but failing at it until Minho gave him a hand. _

_ Changbin appeared behind the other boy and snatched the underwear off of the unsuspecting head. This resulted in Minho dropping Jisung half way through picking him up as he twisted around to grab the underwear off of Changbin. Jisung huffed again and got up by himself. Changbin and Minho were once again having a face off inside of the apartment, Changbin holding the pair of underwear and Minho trying to work out how to get it. Jeongin gives Jisung a slight wave as he comes in, still on the sofa for god knows what reason. _

_ Silently, Jisung creeps around the two men and goes next to Changbin before snatching the underwear from his hands. They were weirdly warm and wrinkled making Jisung panic over whether they were clean or not. _

_ “Now will any of you explain to me what the fuck is going on and why you have begun drinking when not everyone has arrived yet,” Jisung holds the underwear away from both of them._

_ “Jisung I don’t think you want to know,” Jeongin laughed, now jumping slightly on the sofa and drinking another can of beer probably from the bag Jisung had bought, “Not even I fully understand. I just came in and they were standing on the chairs and drinking random cans of beer that were around the apartment. Then Minho took his underwear off and it all went downhill from there.” _

_ Stunned by that explanation Jisung looked between Minho and Changbin before laughing at the complete tomfoolery between the two oldest in the room. _

_ “Wait wait wait, so Minho hasn’t got any underwear on right now?” Jisung somehow laughs even harder. _

_ “From what I know, no he doesn’t,” Jeongin answers, pulling Jisung up onto the sofa with him, “what I do know is, if you want a drink tonight you have to be standing on something other than the floor. Don’t question it.” _

_ Jeongin’s breath stank of cheap booze that he had obviously been chugging while the others weren’t paying attention. _

_ “Yeah, that makes sense,” Jisung rolls his eyes, still trying to bat Changbin away from the dirty underwear, “Also mate, I don’t care how much you have drank but don’t tell Chan, you know what he is like,” Jisung holds on to the other boy as Changbin and Minho both start trying to grab the pair of underwear. Deciding he just wanted a drink and to not be holding Minho’s dirty underwear anymore, Jisung threw them up in the air and watched as the two boys made a dive for them. _

_ Jisung looked round the room and realised the large gap between the sofa and the bag of beers he had brought. He knew that the gap between the sofa and the chair by the counter was too far to jump so while the others were too busy chasing a pair of underwear hw quickly jumped onto the floor. _

_ However, before he made a single step towards the bag, Jisung was suddenly on the floor with a body on top of him. _

_ “Changbin get the Caroma 5000! Quick quick!” is all Jisung could hear while his face was smushed into the floor. He could tell it was Minho lying on him, yet again, as he puts his thighs around Jisung’s sides and sits on him. _

_ “Minho we should really stop ending up like this tonight,” Jisung sighs from below the other boy, accepting his fate already to whatever the ‘Caroma 5000’ was. _

_ Changbin comes back into view while holding a metal flask and an evil look on his face. Suddenly, Jisung is hauled up by Jeongin and Minho as Changbin stands in front of him. Now looking at Changbin straight, Jisung realised just how drunk he was. A t-shirt was then placed over Jisung’s eyes while he stood there helplessly. Where the t-shirt had come from, Jisung had no idea but all he could think about was how he was about to go through some sort of cult ritual. _

_ “Oi, oi nah cut it out guys! What are you doing?!” Jisung started to struggle against Minho and Jeongin’s hold, still slightly weak from laughing at the absurdness of everything happening around him. _

_ “Calm down Jisung, it's all fine,” Minho whispers into Jisung’s ear, him sounding a tad bit less drunk than Changbin. _

_ “Open wide,” Changbin slurred, forcefully opening Jisung’s mouth and pouring whatever was in the flask into Jisung’s mouth. At first he couldn’t taste anything but then like a punch to the face, the cold liquid burned down his throat. It was as though the other boys had decided to put vodka, soju, nail varnish remover and lemon juice all into one drink and then shook it all up with mint leaves and something else Jisung couldn’t quite distinguish. Changbin poured another mouthful into Jisung’s mouth while the boy was still being restrained and laughed as Jisung swayed ever so slightly. _

_ “Fuckkkkkk,” Jisung coughed as the liquid burned down his esophagus and his vision blurred as the t-shirt was removed from his face, “What the fuck was in that? Satan’s nut juice or something?” _

_ Jisung’s vision was already becoming distorted and made him question what was real and what was a dream as everything felt so light and surreal. However, as much as the feeling brought up sickness, Jisung loved it. He always felt unattached from worldly problems whenever he wasn’t sober. Plus he knew that was when the real fun could begin like this dumb underwear-can’t touch the floor game. _

_ “Are you guys done yet or should I stand here a little longer,” a familiar voice calls out from the still open doorway. They all look over to the voice and see Chan watching puzzledly at the scene before him; Jeongin chugging a can of beer, Jisung still being held by Minho and Changbin chanting something as he holds the flask or mysterious liquid. _

_ “CHAN!” Changbin shrieks as he turns to the older boy, immediately trying to go in for a hug. _

_ “Wait a second Changbin, Minho there is someone here to see you,” Chan steps out of the way and a slightly older man looks into the apartment. He was taller than all of us with almost shoulder length blonde dyed hair. Not knowing if it was the alcohol or if the man really was that gorgeous, Jisung outwardly gasps at him. He had a slight smirk on his face and a coolness about his eyes. _

_ From behind Jisung, Minho muttered “fuck” before going to approach the other man. Chan moves out of the doorway and gives into Changbin’s hug before excusing himself to the bathroom. Jeongin and Changbin go back to standing on the sofa and try to push each other off, leaving Jisung to watch Minho walk tentatively towards the other man. Jisung looked again at the man and felt a slight uneasiness coming from his smile as he waited for Minho. _

_ Minho shut the door slightly as he and the other man spoke outside. Seizing the moment, Jisung snuck over to the door, desperately trying not to trip or make a noise. Focusing as hard as he could on the voices outside, Jisung shut his eyes and held onto the wall. _

_ “Sorry for making you wait, I didn’t notice you Hyunjin,” Jisung heard Minho quickly trying to apologise to the older man, now learning that his name was Hyunjin. _

_ “It's fine mate, it’s not my business what you do. I just need to give you this and then I can be out of this… building,” Hyunjin took a deep breath before, what Jisung could assume he was doing, getting something out of his pocket. _

_ “I thought I was getting this on Monday? That's what we agreed,” Minho started rambling, almost sounding a bit panicked before he put something in his own pocket. _

_ “Yeah well something came up so I’m just giving it to you now, got a problem with that?” _

_ “Nah nah this is fine, sorry,” Jisung immediately started to dislike the other man after hearing something in Minho’s voice he hadn’t heard before. Panic? Unease? _

_ “Look, have a good night ok. I’ll message you next time I come round to make sure this kind of run in doesn’t happen again,” Jisung then heard a pair of footsteps move away from the door and knew it was his cue to go back to the middle of the room before Minho came back in. _

_ For the rest of that night, the mysterious older man played on Jisung’s mind. Minho tried to pep up again, decidedly getting more drunk and running around like nobody’s business. But Jisung could see through the playful mask the other boy had put on, making him more suspectful of that other man. _

**Present Day**

Chan leaving me out of nowhere did not better my mood especially after the bomb he dropped about Felix being back. The man didn’t even have the decency to tell me where he had to go, only that it was urgent.

My apartment feels even bleaker than before as the cold day from outside leaks in through the windows. I have tried to put up bright posters, photos, fun lights and colourful cushions to make it all seem happier. But, after everything that has happened here, no wonder it seems so miserable.

It isn’t nearly as nice as Minho’s old apartment…

Only good memories happened there. Here was where all the bad ones accumulated.

Thinking back on it all made my body freeze in anger. I was played the whole time like some pawn until I was literally kicked off the board. At this point, I no longer care if it was because of Minho or Hyunjin as to why my life has been a shit storm over the past five years but either way it still makes my blood run cold looking back at it all.

I stay in the same place just staring out the far window of my apartment, still having not turned on the lights and just looking at the bleak sky. The clouds are like a blanket over the city with no definition between each of them making the world feel frozen and trapped. 

Finally snapping out of my trance, I put down my phone, wallet, keys and fags on the side table before slipping my shoes off and going into the centre of my apartment. I only just realise how cold it has become as my feet curl slightly at the cold surface of the floor. I can’t put the thermostat on as that would mean more money taken out of my wallet and I am barely getting by as it is. Luckily, my room has a carpeted floor which wasn’t cold like all the other rooms.

Wrapping myself in a blanket, I sit at my cluttered desk; papers with random ideas, drawings and lyrics spew across it. Instinctively, I pull out the folder containing all the letters I wrote “to Felix” and spare paper from my draw. The folder is almost bursting from the letters I have written making me struggle to find paper I haven’t used.

I manage to get a few pieces of paper from the folder and just stare at it on my table, my pen tapping aimlessly next to it. Everything inside of me feels cold as I try to think of something to write. My eyes are frozen on the two words at the top: “Dear Felix”. It was as though they were mocking me as I struggled to find words to write. Now that Felix is back I have no idea what to say, I just feel suspended in time as my body fills with frustration and ice. I don’t know how long I stare at the blank piece of paper but my neck quickly becomes sore from holding it in one place.

My eyes wander over all the other scattered paper on my desk, specifically focusing on all the random song lyrics written down that had come to me over the years. I scrunch up the “Dear Felix” paper and throw it in the direction of my bin. I then collect the random pieces of paper with lyrics on them and put them in front of me, most of them being barely a line for a song but enough to draw inspiration.

I don’t even remember the last time I fully wrote a song or listened to any of the songs I uploaded to soundcloud. Motivation never came to me after all the fighting between Minho and I. Of course, Hyunjin also played a part in it as he had made comments on my writing which had affected my confidence. But now all I want to do is create something again that I can be proud about.

My hand automatically starts to write out random words and sentences, trying to get an idea of what exactly I will be writing. The ice inside of me immediately starts to melt as I get a rush of excitement over doing something so natural to me.

Then my phone went off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this all made sense, i tried to create a theme with both minho and jisung's chapters  
minho's world is fire and red as he is still angry over everything whereas jisung's is cold and frozen as he cant push past everything that has happened  
anyway if there is any confusion just comment, hope yall like


	7. Chapter 7

**Minho**:

Everything inside of me tells me to ignore the call, especially while I am slumped on the floor still eating my hash brown. If someone is calling me it probably isn’t a good thing as I haven’t had someone call me for a positive reason in almost a year. But still my curiosity leads me to pick my heavy body off of the floor and to look at my phone. The number is instantly recognisable and yet again every fibre of my being is shouting at me to not pick it up.

Finishing my hash brown, I wipe my greasy hand on my joggers and pick up the phone. I’m already at rock bottom, it can’t get any worse from here.

“Minho you answered,” the voice lets out a breathy laugh from the other end of the line, I can already tell he is smirking at the fact that I still pick up his phone calls and that sends a wave of heat through my body as I clench my fists.

“What do you want Hyunjin,” I manage to say through gritted teeth.

“Minho, what have I told you about your tone of voice, it is very important to control. So stop with the hostility and treat me with respect,” I roll my eyes at the obvious smirk he had on his face as he speaks down to me.

“Give me a reason not to hang up on you right now.”

“Well you picked up in the first place so you must be curious about what I have to say,” I don’t bother to answer as I let him carry on, “I have a job I especially want you to do, just like the old days. I stopped round earlier but you were still asleep and your housemates wouldn’t let me in.”

I think back to before Felix came over, to when Jisung was here and yelled at me about Hyunjin coming over. I had forgotten about that note, being to focussed on Jisung deciding to come and look after me and then Felix appearing out of nowhere.

“You still there buddy? You just need to go to the check out point, you know the one, and take what’s there across town to Seungmin’s then I will pay you. Easy,” Hyunjin pops his tongue at the end, somehow sending another wave of frustration and anger through me.

“Why the fuck should I help you? You have loads of little helpers around town to help you and after everything you really think I will help you?” I say, spite seeping out of me as I say each word.

“Oh but Minho you have always been one of my favourites. You and Jisung, but I guess that has all gone now,” he says the last part quietly but obviously loud enough for me to hear to get me more frustrated, “Plus you are closest and know where Seungmin’s apartment is, I don’t trust anyone else to go round.”

“If you tell me that, what is stopping me from going round and telling certain people the address of the apartment. Seungmin can fend for himself so there are obviously things there you don’t want certain individuals getting their hands on,” I smirk slightly, finally feeling as though I have something against Hyunjin for the first time in five years.

“Minho if you do that the next day, no scrap that, that same day you will wind up dead on the side of the road from some kind of accidental overdose of sorts. Seems fitting for a man like you who has wasted his life doing nothing and plus no one will miss you or even be mad enough to figure out what really happened. Face it Minho, you have nothing to lose seeing as you are already at rock bottom,” Hyunjin’s voice had lost its playful tone and now shows the true venom behind his words, “I’ve got to go now, if you end up doing it just message me and I will tell my guys to be ready for you. If not then that is the end, I’m not going to force you to do anything. Let's say you do take this quick job, expect to have more calls from me. Love you.” the other man hung up the phone after making a kissing noise that made my skin crawl all over.

How is he not dead yet. I would have expected someone to finally put a bullet between his eyes but I guess that is too much to ask. I really shouldn’t accept his offer especially with all the shit I got into last time I fell into his trap. This time I know the outcome of working for that man again. I have done this trip numerous times while I was working for Hyunjin; pick up a special package and take it to a secret address. Only rarely was it ever Seungmin’s apartment or even an address Hyunjin made us promise to never tell but I still remembered them all. At the time I felt respected and trusted when Hyunjin would send Jisung and I to those locations or to do any kind of business like that but now I know it was all a ruse to make us fall more under his control. In the end it was all an act to make sure Jisung and I would stay with him.

I push myself off of the counter and look around the kitchen. As much as I know it is a bad idea, I still want to accept the offer. I will be paid just to do a simple task but I know it is all a way to get me dragged back into that whole world again. I could always tell him it is a one time thing just for the money but he will surely use that and tempt me to come back even more, probably even throw in extra cash.

Having a job has become so foreign to me now as I barely scrape by doing the odd favours for what little friends I have left. Jobs had come and gone through the last year and a half but none had kept me due to the lack of effort I put into turning up on time especially in the early weeks after the whole shit storm between Jisung and I.

It feels like time hasn’t moved and that I’m right back to a year and a half ago. The sudden urge to call up Jisung and tell him about the new job arises inside of me making my hands clench around my phone and dig my nails into my palm. It is so stupid everything that happened back then with Jisung thinking he can help me with my jobs but I should of known it was just for all the fucking money. He continuously made things worse and harder than it should have been. As much as Felix tells me I should accept my faults in everything, I wouldn’t be where I am right now if Jisung didn’t decide to help me. I could have just gotten on with everything and neither of us would have ended up where we are now. Over a year and a half ago I was somewhat proud of myself for opening Jisung up to another side of the world even though it was dangerous; I liked the fact that I had an impact on his life somehow in a way that is memorable. Yes it wasn’t safe and yes some say it wasn’t responsible to bring him into it but those days I felt as though I saw the true Jisung even when he was high in the clouds or blacking out in the middle of a field. It was all an experience that somehow brought us closer but then tore us apart.

My fingers dig deeper into my palm at the thought of Jisung living his life after all this has happened compared to me barely getting by. In that thought, I immediately start to message Hyunjin, telling him how I will go and do it but that after I will have to think about joining his side again. Deep down I know I’m only doing it to jab at Jisung and Felix for making me live full of regrets and anger.

**Flashback**

_ Since the party Minho constantly felt a certain pair of eyes on him whenever he hung out with his friends. He had pretended he didn’t notice Jisung listening into what he and Hyunjin were saying as he knew if he brought it up Jisung would want to know the whole story. It wasn’t that Minho thought Jisung was too innocent to know what was going on but it was more that he didn’t know how the younger would react. The most Jisung had to do with Hyunjin’s world was when he hung out with Minho and had a joint with him each Friday. _

_ It was beginning to become slightly annoying as Minho would turn to the boy and catch his eyes before the younger would quickly look away. Since the group of friends had sat down to enjoy a coffee, Minho had caught Jisung frowning at him three times. The temptation to grab the latter and take him to the side was tugging at Minho’s brain greatly as he drank what was left of his iced americano. The other guys at the table, Changbin and Chan, were going off on one about some kind of new show that had come out that Minho hadn’t been bothered to watch. Minho sat pretending to look at his phone as he thought of what to do about Jisung while the other was staring at his hands in an almost awkward fashion after being caught by Minho again. _

_ When the boys finally left the shop as Changbin had to go to work and Chan claimed he had somewhere to be, Minho immediately pulled Jisung to a small side alley to talk to him. _

_ “I already know what you are going to say you little shit,” Minho quickly says as Jisung opens his mouth to speak but immediately shuts it and rolls his eyes, “I’m not dumb Ji, I saw you spying on me and Hyunjin the other day. Now you won’t stop looking at me with those little fucking eyes you have.” _

_ “Not my fault you are doing something dodgy and I’m curious. And I know you have been avoiding me because of it. I’m also not dumb Lee Minho,” Jisung squints his eyes at Minho in a mocking way to annoy Minho._

_ “Yeah well maybe Ji, I don’t want to tell you,” Minho sighs, giving Jisung a fake pitiful look, earning a small punch to the chest from Jisung and another eye roll. _

_ “Look, it's not my fault my curiosity spiked up after seeing that man randomly turn up at your door.” _

_ “Have you never heard the saying curiosity killed the cat?” Minho stepped back from Jisung, letting out a quick sigh. _

_ “But satisfaction brought it back. You can’t use that saying on me bitch. Now tell me before I break your knee caps,” Jisung laughed, liking the fact that he had, in his books, outsmarted Minho. _

_ “Why do you think I have to tell you anything,” Minho frowns, not looking at Jisung as he knows that if he does he will end up telling the boy everything that is going on _

_ “Because I deserve to know and I won’t stop until I find out,” Jisung smirks slightly, knowing Minho is close to telling him. _

_ “You don’t deserve anything,” Minho mutters, now trying to work out what to say to Jisung. Both of them stand in silence as Minho avoids Jisung’s eyes and Jisung continuously poked Minho in the side to get answers. _

_ “OK, OK, look. I have been working for that guy for like a couple of months now. I get given different jobs but they are all mainly the same thing of, uhm, delivering certain substances,” Minho whispers to Jisung, looking the boy straight in the eyes to know he is being serious. _

_ “Wait!” Jisung yells, Minho slapping a hand over his mouth, “So you're like a mule of sorts. You transport “substances” around and get paid by that Hyunjin guy, who might I add is really creepy.” Jisung makes air quotations with his hands, which Minho rolls his eyes at. _

_ “I guess. It changes from time to time. Sometimes I’m told to go and take things to certain locations and sometimes I’m told to go to parties to try and get people to, you know, buy things,” Minho looks away at the last part, knowing how dodgy he sounded to Jisung. Even he thought what he was doing was wrong as he would get people who were intoxicated to buy whatever he had on hand. He purposely made sure to only give people certain things and that they were ok to have it as he didn’t want someone’s misfortune on his soul. He also made sure not to sell anything such as date rape drugs as that was definetly something his heart couldn’t handle. _

_ Jisung stays quiet for a bit and stares into the middle distance, his mind obviously trying to piece everything Minho had said together. Minho’s hands were beginning to become clammy as he thought the worse of how Jisung was going to react. As much as Jisung was a chill person that did enjoy the odd blunt, he wasn’t one to enjoy the fact that Minho was the one selling these drugs and could potentially be put in prison for it. _

_ After a minute of silence Jisung looks up at Minho and smiles. _

_ “Let me help you. And before you start having a go about how it is dangerous and all that bullshit just hear me out. I can help take things to where they need to go and when you go to those parties and raves and what not I can help you find people to sell to,” Minho frowns puzzledly at Jisung as the other smiles in an almost evil way, “I know it is dodgy and shit but I would much rather being there with you so you don’t get dragged into anything bad. I can even just be someone to make sure you aren’t being caught doing anything bad. And when I say I will help you find people to sell to, I mean making sure you aren’t going to sell to someone who will collapse or whatever after taking something you give them.” _

_ “Jisung no! I’m not dragging you into this. You have a perfectly fine job and a somewhat clean life!” Minho pushes Jisung away, not wanting to give into the other. _

_ “My life is boring Minho! I only recently realised how boring my life was before I started hanging out with you guys,” Jisung huffed, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms. _

_ “You just like drinking and having a spliff! This is more than that Ji!” Minho laughs slightly, not understanding why Jisung was so desperate to help. _

_ Before either of them could say another word, Minho’s phone started to ring. Jisung swiftly pushes himself off of the wall to see who the caller was and seeing it was Hyunjin before Minho pulled away to answer. _

_ Jisung stood patiently, watching Minho talk to the man on the phone with his eyebrows furrowed and arms still crossed. The other boy turns his back on Jisung to ignore the face he was pulling and to listen to Hyunjin. Jisung just rolled his eyes and stayed where he was, knowing this will be the only time he could maybe get Minho to let him join on whatever task Hyunjin wanted the older to do. After roughly a minute, Minho turns back around to meet Jisung’s eyes, straight away wishing he hadn’t. _

_ “Whatever, OK, this one time you can come but you can’t tell anyone any of this.” _

_ And that was the one sentence Minho wished he had never said. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know it is roughly 1:30 rn and I just finished the chapter so if it is rough that is y i am sorry  
also this was going to be longer with a jisung pov but i was too lazy to put it in and instead decided to do a flashback  
i have this all planned out somewhat but i have been struggling to work out what to put into each chapter so thats y it took me longer to write as i have been planning  
ALSO YAAY SKZ GOD'S MENU 90MIL LETS GET IT TO 100M  
ok goodnight


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
drugs  
drinking  
body insecurity (only a little)
> 
> this chapter isnt angsty or anything, just a party

“No way am I answering that” I think to myself as I instantly recognise the number on the screen. Despite it being a year and a half since I have seen any of his numbers, I still remember them like the back of my hand; ingrained in my head like a lyric to a catchy song.

I let the phone carry on ringing until my room goes silent. All the ideas and lyrics I was previously working on completely leaving my head as my eyes remain on the black screen. I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t feel the jolt of excitement that ran through me as I saw the number. The adrenaline and memories from what felt like another life rushing through me. My body stays frozen to the chair as I let those emotions run through me. The sensation is so different from the previous times I have thought back to those memories where all I feel is cold and hurt.

Calls from Hyunjin to me were rare but still apparent enough for me to remember his number, although a part of it may have been fear of forgetting. He never wanted us to save his number and to instead just memorise the several different ones he owned. It was a headache but in the end it meant I could call from any phone if I were in trouble. When he did call me it was a quick conversation with him telling me the job I had to complete with Minho and then he would hang up. The jobs were always for both Minho and I, never just the one of us. At first I didn’t know why and didn’t particularly care but later on the answer was obvious.

Yet again another reminder of how Minho liked to play the hero and make me feel like the classic damsel in distress.

Pushing myself away from the desk, I roll over to my door and into the living area of my apartment, not bothering to get out of my chair at all. This journey being a common one as I spin myself round another doorway, into the kitchen area and to the fridge. In no time the fridge is open in front of me as I drink from a carton of chocolate milk, my thoughts scattered all over the place as I try not to spill on my white shirt.

My mind keeps going back to the number that was on my screen; the thought of why Hyunjin was calling me after all this time. Usually if he called me he would also call Minho just to make sure we both got the message. That thought alone stirs up something inside of me as I shut the fridge and swivel my chair into the main room to stare out the window at the dull day outside**. **If Hyunjin is sticking to his old ways that means he would have contacted both Minho and I.

Wait.

Before I can put the cap back on the chocolate milk, I get off my chair and run to my desk to my phone. My fingers slam against my phone screen as I type Hyunjin’s number off of muscle memory and I hold the phone to my ear. My other hand taps the desk as I listen to the phone ring a couple of times.

“Hello Jisung,” the obnoxious voice on the other end of the phone says, my hand freezing at my side.

“You better not be doing what I fucking think you are doing,” I spit back down the phone, not bothering with the niceties of saying hello, “I know you have already tried to contact Minho and now you are reaching me. But all I have to say is fuck off! Get out of my life and Minho’s life you miserable cunt!”

“Woah there Jisung is that anyway to talk to an old friend. Both you and Minho have a lot of hostility, shame though about you guys. I liked your relationship but oh well that is life,” I grit my teeth and clench my fist as I let his words hit me like ice.

“Just fuck off Hyunjin, go get someone else to do your bidding. I have had enough and I don’t want to have to deal with a Minho that is fucking around with you again.”

“And here I was thinking that you and him were completely split up but you are still stuck trying to get some sort of validation or whatever. Anyways I’m sorry to tell you that it is a bit late. Your lovely ex boyfriend has ever so graciously accepted my little job offer. Judging by your ever so kind words, I’m guessing you won’t be open to whatever job I have for you,” I don’t even bother answering what he had to say as I hang up and throw my phone on my bed.

Of course Minho would take up the offer, the daft cunt. He loved everything about that life; the thrill and parties ran through him like a drug. It would be stupid to expect him to turn down an offer to go back to where he feels part of something instead of wondering aimlessly everyday. That was all he cared about; being wanted and appreciated by someone. It makes my blood run cold whenever I think about it, how he would throw anything away just to have someone pay attention to him.

“The fucking dumb motherfucking idiot. AGH!” I shout, slightly stomping as I leave the room to wheel my chair back to my desk, “OK, OK stop. Whatever, it is his choice. If he wants to ruin his life again then so be it. Nothing to do with me.”

My hands relax off of the back of the chair, slight indents from where I was gripping the leather padding. Whatever Minho is doing with his life is his choice and shouldn’t bother me anymore. No more check ups on him, no more coming to help him when he is too drunk to get back home, no more looking online for jobs that Minho could have if he bothered to get up for them.

No more wasting my time on him.  
  
  


Thankfully after that phone call, Hyunjin hadn’t bothered to call back leaving me to live my slightly mundane life. It had been a week and five days to be exact, not that I was counting. Working as a waiter just meant that each day played out the same way making it all seem the same. As much as the phone call had stressed me out, it was the most exciting part of my month so far. Still working as a waiter had its perks such as getting discounted food and drinks, learning a few culinary tricks (not that I would use them) and I got to wear an apron and shirt that do wonders on my figure.

“Table 8, go” I hurried along, a tray shoved into my hand but it didn't startle me. After working here for a year you get used to the fast pace and the layout of the small restaurant to know which way to go even with your eyes closed.

I make my way to my table and give them their food, offering my well trained friendly smile to them before leaving them to eat. Thankfully, this my last table of the night before I can finally go home and straight to bed. Usually the evening shift is easy for me, especially after years of staying up til the early hours of the morning but recently all I have wanted to do was sleep. 

Time goes past quickly as I see the last customers leave and hang my apron up. The walk home was another half an hour and my eyes were already starting to struggle to stay open prompting me to grab a quick drink before I leave, just to liven up a bit.

“Jisung why don’t you just call a cab or something, your eyes are barely open,” one of the other waiters, Jongdae, called out.

“No, no I’m good, the fresh air will do me good, plus I am skint,” I wave my hand towards him as I leave, also yelling a quick goodbye before the door shuts and I’m exposed to the cold autumn night breeze.

Before taking a single step however, my phone vibrates in my pocket.

**XXX-XXX-XXX**

Quick message from me, have you

heard from Minho at all?

Told him to get back in contact with

me after my little job for him but he has

been avoiding me

  
  


**Me**

And why do you think I would

know anything? And why would

I tell you anyways

**XXX-XXX-XXX**

You’re right, was just a passing thought

to ask you

Must say though tonight's weather is very

Reminiscent

Nights like these were perfect for Minho

and you to work

**Me**

Night Hyunjin and stop contacting me

  
  
  


I manage to hold back everything I want to say to him as I answer. The sheer fact that he is still contacting me as though nothing happened makes me want to rip my hair out. Every word that falls from his mouth is a way to twist into my head and I know that. They still hit somewhere inside of me as I make my way home. It was as though they flipped a switch in my head that released a bunch of suppressed memories of Minho and I. Mixed with the cold air of the night and the clear sky above me, my mind slips into a state of autopilot as I think back on those somewhat happy memories I buried deep down.

_ FLASHBACK _

_ Jisung would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous for the party tonight. Minho and himself were expected at a certain party taking place in the woods where no one can catch them doing anything even slightly illegal. The main goal for both of them was to find some new customers and have fun, nothing too much. However, other than the get-togethers Jisung went to at Minho’s apartment, he had never been to any kind of party like this. Throughout high school and college, Jisung wasn’t invited to many parties like this and if he was they were only with a few friends and a couple of joints; nothing too extraordinary. _

_ Waiting for Minho seemed to be the hardest thing possible for Jisung as the other said the trains are running late. Nerves were starting to eat him up as he paced around the apartment; every time he passed the mirror by the door Jisung went to his room to put another outfit on, not satisfied with what he was wearing. Not only was this the first proper party with lots of people, it was also Jisung’s first party to find people to sell to. At first he was excited for the job, finally being able to do what he told Minho he would, find suitable customers. But as the time grew closer, Jisung realised the risk of the situation and what he really would be doing. Over the last few months of working with Minho, they had only done drop offs and a few deals around town, mainly due to no parties taking place because of the bad weather_

_ “Fuck fuck fuck. Minho hurry up before I change again or I swear to God,” Jisung muttered under his breath, smacking his phone against his hand as he walked around. After his eighth change he was now wearing a white top with a colourful pattern on, tucked into a pair of black ripped jeans and a pair of black boots that were at that point scuffed to the point the black shiny coating was gone. To top it all off was, as Minho liked to say, Jisung’s signature bucket hat. As much as Jisung liked his outfit, he still felt unsure of what he was wearing. He felt exposed despite not showing anything. _

_Luckily_ _, before Jisung could go change again, a loud knock erupted from the door. _

_ “At last! I was going crazy!” Jisung exasperated, opening the door and grabbing his bag that Minho liked to laugh at only because it was called a bum bag. _

_ “Look I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I did run up the stairs if that helps at all,” a slightly panting Minho says, putting his hands up in surrender. He quickly peers into the apartment before Jisung shuts the door and sees all the clothes thrown about the place. _

_ “I was stressed, don't judge me,” Jisung says as he locks up the apartment, noticing what Minho was staring at, “I proved my rule though. Once you try on five outfits, nothing after that feels right and you just want to curl up and eat ice cream, or in my case cheesecake.” _

_ “Why were you getting stressed out for? Pretty much any of your clothes would have suit the party tonight, a simple pair of joggers and a baggy top with your signature bucket hat,” both boys set off down the corridor and down the five flights of stairs. _

_ “I don’t know I just am. This is kinda my first party that is with a bunch of strangers and stuff. Nothing felt right,” Jisung sighs, clipping his bag across his chest and pulling it in front of him. _

_ Not saying anything else, Minho just nods and slings his arm around Jisung as they leave the building. _

_ “What are you doing, you're heavy and sweaty from I’m guessing being on the train,” Jisung tries to worm out of Minho’s hold but the older boy holds on harder. _

_ “I’m just trying to look after you and make sure you stop stressing. Tonight will be fine coz I will be there,” Minho beams down at Jisung, making the younger one laugh at him. _

_ “You, look after, me? You must already be on something if you really believe that. We both know that I am the one that has to protect you most of the time,” Jisung laughs, also trying to put his arm around Minho but failing as the other pushes him away. _

_ “How dare you insinuate such lies,” Minho places his hand on his chest in disbelief, “I think you will find that I am obviously the one that has the strength and power to protect both of us from danger.” _

_ “Yeah right mister! The last time you went to the gym was because you had to use the toilet and then you bought a chocolate bar from the vending machine! At least I used to regularly use the gym and built up muscle!” Jisung scoffed, poking Minho in the stomach. _

_ “You haven’t been to the gym in ages either! All your muscles have all gone! At least I keep up with dance and don’t excessively eat cheesecake,” Minho laughs, but noticing Jisung wasn’t laughing he looks at the other boy, seeing something glaze over his eyes before he smiles and laughs as well. Minho, yet again, doesn’t mention anything but realises he has hit something inside Jisung as the boy holds on the strap of his bag over his stomach. _

_ “You have a point though, you have been able to take me down multiple times. I don’t know where the strength comes from, maybe you were exposed to gamma radiation and if you get angry enough you will turn green?” Minho jokes, trying to break the weird silence now between the two of them. _

_ “Haha, well if you keep picking on me then maybe we will find out,” Jisung laughs, both of them now carrying on the rest of the journey in a more comfortable silence. _

_ As they finally approached the large wooded area on the outskirts of town, Minho noticed Jisung physically freeze up. _

_ “Jisung you do realise you will know some people there right. I’m pretty sure Donghyuk, Haechan whatever, and Mark will be there. And I won’t leave you at all if you don’t want me too,” Minho holds Jisung’s hand and squeezes it slightly, this whole side of Jisung being new to him. He always saw the younger one as being outgoing and loud, not quiet and nervous. _

_ “Yeah, yeah lets go do this,” Jisung quickly says, obviously shoving his nervousness down and pulling Minho through the woods. A lot was playing through Jisung’s mind of how everything could go to shit tonight, or that someone won’t like him or he will simply freak out being around strangers. But for Minho he swallowed his nerves, as much as he was nervous he was also excited for what could happen. _

_ Not after too long of walking in the dark woods, Jisung and Minho started to hear the faint sounds of music and lots of voices. A faint glow in the distance started to appear not too long after, obviously being where the music was coming from. _

_ As both boys approached, they were greeted by a couple of small tents, a few fallen trees positioned around a small fire and a bunch of people ranging from ages fifteen to thirty; Jisung being slightly surprised by the younger ones at the party but knew it was all in good fun for them. _

_ “Hey Minho, Jisung. Didn’t know you would be here,” they were greeted by the familiar smiling face of Donghyuk who beckoned them towards the fire. _

_ “Well it is obvious you would be here, Hyuk,” Minho laughed as they both went to go sit on a log next to the other boy. Minho leans over to the other boy and whispers something Jisung couldn’t quite hear in his ear. _

_ “Ah, that makes sense. Well more people will turn up as the night goes on. Drinks are all over the place and I would grab some before they run out. Tents are for those who want to crash and please no funny business in them, I had to clean them last time. We can tuck into whatever you have later on once more people arrive,” Donghyuk tells both of them,waving around as he does so, “By the way all these guys are chill so don’t be too shy. They are also mostly high as a kite right now but that isn’t too surpris- MARK! There you are baby.” Donghyuk had bolted from the log next to Minho into the arms of the mentioned other boy, immediately smacking a kiss on his lips. _

_ “Hey Minho, what did you tell him?” Jisung quickly leans over to Minho now that the other boy was gone. _

_ “Huh, oh. I just told him of what I have on me from Hyunjin and all that shit,” Minho answers looking back at Jisung. Donghyuk was one of the many people Jisung and Minho would drop off specific packages to and so knew exactly what Minho was there to do. _

_ “Oh yeah ok. This is going to sound dumb, but do you mind if I could borrow your hoodie. I’m feeling a little uncomfortable,” Jisung says quietly, noticing that Minho wasn’t wearing it. _

_ “Yeah sure, I think you look nice by the way. The whole walk here you have been fiddling with your bag and what not,” Minho whispers back, somehow managing to be loud enough for Jisung to hear over the music. The older stands up and unwraps his hoodie from his waist and hands it to Jisung. _

_ “I don’t feel very confident at the moment and I ate a massive bit of cheesecake that has made me feel a bit bloated. I know it is dumb and I am a sexy individual and all but I just want one less thing to be stressed about tonight,” Jisung smiles cheekily as he says the last part to Minho. _

_ As he slips the hoodie on Jisung is immediately engulfed in warmth and settles back down on the log. The two of them stay there as more people begin to arrive at the little opening in the middle of the woods; them both sharing a bottle of vodka between the two of them, too lazy to find something to mix with it. After getting half way, Jisung begins to feel the lightness of the world around him as the alcohol kicks him but not quite making him drunk, just on the edge. From what Jisung could see, Minho was beginning to feel something as he giggles beside him. _

_ ( _ ** _TRIGGER WARNING: DRUGS AND SUCH, if u wanna skip scroll to the next bold part if that makes sense)_ **

_ “OK let's get this shit started,” Minho grabs his bag and pulls out a small tin that Jisung immediately recognised. _

_ “Oooo what are we doing tonight, what's the plan?” Jisung giggles, getting excited for what Minho was going to pull out. _

_ “Well if we start doing this, then people will start flocking around like classmates asking for gum,” Minho laughs, pulling out some pills and a couple of other things. In the tin was also a few lighters, papers, roaches, a grinder, some dummies, bags of different substances with labels on and a few other bits and pieces. _

_ “See you have everything then,” Jisung laughs, grabbing one of the dummies already and a pill from Minho’s hand. _

_ “Yeah, the first time I did this I had nowhere near enough shit on me so I have this now,” Minho grabs the other dummy and a pill before shutting the lid. _

_ Both of them swallow the colourful pill and wait for everything to kick in. Pingers weren’t one of Jisung’s go to drugs of choice but in the scenario he was in, it was most suitable. If he could choose, he would much rather be on a wind down kind of drug but Minho would say those are for later. The first time he had one with Minho he chewed through his lip and cheek meaning he woke up the next day to a sore mouth. At first he thought having a dummy looked stupid but soon realised how much of a necessity they were if he wanted to eat what he wanted tomorrow. _

_ Quickly, Jisung began to feel the effects of the little pill take over him. Each time Minho brushed past his arm he felt a shiver go up his spin, his mind begging for more contact from anyone. He swiftly got up and went over to where Donghyuk and a few others were dancing, Minho following after him with a couple pills in his pocket. Donghyuk immediately recognised the state Jisung was in and turned to Minho as Jisung began to dance. That is when the party really started for Jisung. _

_ With a dummy in his mouth, dancing to the music, Jisung watched as Minho started getting people interested in what he had on him. After a little while Jisung started his mission of trying to find some others to get Minho to sell to. It wasn’t too hard as he would look round to see certain people eyeing up Minho’s stash so he would go up to them, have a joke around, mention how fucked he was and get them to go over to Minho to get a “whatever you are on”. _

_ Once the fun effects of the pills started to run low, the boys went from popping pingers to sniffing a couple of lines of ket, nothing too extreme as Minho put it. Jisung saw more people appear around Minho for that taste of fun. Before long, Minho was standing on one of the logs shouting over the music about what he was selling, trying to get more people to buy off of him and not someone else at the party. Jisung had noticed a couple other people selling similar things to Minho but Jisung had made sure to get people to go to Minho. In Jisung’s drugged state, he felt almost proud of himself to get so many people to buy off of Minho even though it meant he is the reason for getting a couple of sixteen year olds into buying a bump of ket. _

** _(BEEP BEEP END OF THE DRUG PART)_ **

  
  


_ Around two in the morning, people started disappearing and the music grew quieter. Sleep was starting to seem very appealing to Jisung as he sat on a log staring into the flames of the campfire. The heat of the fire made his eyes burn slightly but he didn’t care, it felt nice compared to the slight chill he felt on his back. _

_ “Hey Jisung, you look like you're just about to collapse. Why don’t you take a quick nap in one of the tents,” Donghyuk tapped the other on the shoulder and pointed to one of the tents. Jisung looked over and nodded, realising that in any moment he would collapse and that a headache was coming on. _

_ “Are you staying here any longer?” Jisung quickly asked as he got up and looked around the slowly emptying area. _

_ “Yeah, one of the tents is mine and I agreed to be part of the clean up. Fun times,” Donhyuk laughed, taking a quick swig of something from a bottle. _

_ “I can help as well if you want. Can you wake me up in like an hour and a half or something, I don’t wanna sleep for too long you know,” Jisung smiles, going over to one of the tents. Donghyuk agrees and lets the boy sleep. _

_ The tent already had someone in it who Jisung immediately recognised as Mark, Hyuk’s boyfriend. _

_ “Who’s there?” he says sleepily. _

_ “Jisung, Mark. I’m just coming for a quick rest,” Jisung whispers before making himself comfortable on a mat and drifting off to sleep. _

_ Jisung quickly fell asleep, especially with the help of the bump of ket Minho and he did not too long ago. However, after what felt like only five minutes of sleep, the tent door was unzipped and Jisung was shaken awake by a pair of hands. _

_ “Huh? What?” Jisung whispers, turning towards the person who opened the tent. _

_ “It’s Minho,” the voice answers before Jisung recognises his face. _

_ “Oh what's up? How long have I been asleep for? Is everything ok?” Jisung starts to ramble, now sitting up in the tent, Mark still lying beside him. _

_ “Shh you. You have been asleep for roughly an hour or something. I just wanted to ask if I could have my hoodie back. I’m starting to feel a little chilly, if you don’t mind,” Minho whispers, immediately regretting asking for the hoodie as he sees the look of panic cross Jisung’s face and the way his hands wrap around his body. _

_ “Ye-yeah su-” _

_ “Forget it, I’m fine actually. I just had the shivers for a second. Lots of people have left now so maybe the emptiness of the area made me feel cold,” Minho interrupted quickly, laughing slightly and exiting the tent. _

_ Jisung dazedly stares at the door of the tent before quickly following, knowing that Minho was lying. Outside was almost empty apart from a few stragglers around the fire and people passed out on the floor. Music was playing quietly in the corner, nothing too hard but more calming. Minho was one of the few around the fire, staring into the centre as the flames illuminated his features. Jisung stared silently at the other boy, taking in how stunning he looked despite everything they had been doing that night. Minho quickly met his eyes however, causing Jisung to quickly look away in embarrassment. _

_ “Jisung it's fine you can keep it on,” Minho says as he goes and stands opposite the other boy. _

_ “No no, you need this. It is fine I can cope,” Jisung smiles, already trying to take off the hoodie. Minho quickly pulls the hoodie back down, his hands resting on Jisung’s waist, not that he noticed. _

_ “No Jisung, it is fine you can keep it on, I don’t need it,” Minho smiles, holding Jisung’s gaze as the latter looks at him. Neither of them move as Minho’s hands stay on Jisung and Jisung’s hands hold Minho’s arms. _

_ “OK then, I’m staying here with you then,” Jisung then pulls Minho closer to him, not caring about how dumb he might look, “Body warmth and all,” he chuckles slightly and wraps his arms around Minho. _

_ “That sounds like a good plan to me,” Minho laughs slightly, resting his head on Jisung’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around the boy, his hands going under the hood for a bit of warmth. _

_ Both of them stood in silence, swaying slightly to the music. Neither of them knew how long they stood for, their legs not growing tired at all. Jisung loved it, being close to Minho and having his arms wrapped around him. As much as he wanted to deny it, Jisung’s crush on the older boy only grew stronger each time he was with him. At first he simply brushed it off as rebound feelings for Felix, then tried to explain his feelings as just infatuation towards the boy as he was so much more than Jisung ever realised. However, recently Jisung knew that wasn’t the case anymore, not when he would get stressed over where Minho was, or how whenever Minho looked him in the eyes he felt his stomach do back flips. _

_ “Hey Minho,” Jisung whispers, pulling away slightly to see the other’s face. _

_ “Yes Jisung,” Minho whispers under his breath, his face bare millimeters from Jisung’s face. Neither of them say anything as they just look at each other, Jisung’s eyes quickly flicking down to Minho’s lips and then back to his eyes. _

_ Jisung didn’t know whether it was the drugs in his system or purely just the fact Minho was staring at him, but without a second thought he leant forwards and connected their lips. It was only a quick kiss, nothing more than a second before Jisung pulled away. Minho’s eyes were wide open as he stared at Jisung before grabbing his face and pulling him in for a much deeper kiss. _

_ When they did pull apart for air, Jisung coughed awkwardly and looked around the area, desperately trying not to look at the other. Minho on the other hand was only staring at Jisung, a slight smile on his face. A blush had crept onto both of their faces as they let the kiss that had happened between them sink in. _

_ “So…” Jisung chuckles, still not really looking at Minho. _

_ “So… I just want to outright say that I have been wanting to do that for a while,” Minho holds Jisung’s face to look at him and rests his forehead against the other’s. _

_ “Really?” Jisung says, smirking slightly at the other man, “Well that is a shame, I just wanted to kiss you for warmth.” _

_ “Oh shut up,” Minho laughs, pulling Jisung in for another kiss. _

_ Around the campfire a couple muttered to each other as they watched the two of them kiss; “I’ve been waiting for that boy to finally confess to him but no Jisung still made the first move.” _

_ “Oh shut up Donghyuk, let them have their moment.” _

_ “Whatever Renjun, I’m just saying.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYYY  
sorry i haven't updated in a while, i just got my gcse results last week and had to enrol at college so i have been busy  
plus i was stuck on what to do for the chapter  
also finally the boy's flashback to their first kiss  
ALSO GODS MENU ALMOST AT 100M LETS GO GO GO  
i wrote this mostly at 2 in the morning to please mind inconsistencies
> 
> the party part of this chapter is based off of a mix of my own or my friend's rave experiences here in england  
tbh the inspo for this fic is just on those kind of parties and the drugs and such  
it is a very british style party basically so dont think this is what it is really like in SK and shit  
i just like to think about what skz would be like while they r off their nut  
and yes i had to put markhyuk in coz i love them AND also a jongdae cameo  
BTW I AM JUST GOING THROUGH MY WRITING AND CHANGING THE WHOLE LAYOUT THING SO IF U GET NOTIFS FOR THAT I AM SORRY- i think when i finish writing this im going to go through a rewrite it all coz the spelling errors in this torment me every night  
thanks for reading


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter

Telling the other housemates to stop calling me every time Minho got lost somewhere or wouldn’t leave his room for days at a time took more time than I had wanted. None of them were happy at how I had given up on the man but in the end that is what everyone else had done. Instead I told them to ring Changbin if Minho had problems. It always should have been Changbin in the end to go help Minho, not me. Even Felix could go help the older boy again seeing as he was back.

Over the last few weeks, staying out of Felix’s way wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Chan tried to get us to meet a couple of times but it just ended with me hanging up, not even bothering to listen to the rest. The more I thought about Felix being here in South Korea the more I began to hate him for leaving in the first place. He should have stayed away like he intended; he has no use being here. Whenever I go out, a brief rush of panic settles inside me, scared that I will accidentally run into him somewhere or at least see him shopping through a window.

The only thing I know about the boy is that most of the time he is with Chan. The older boy has gotten into the habit of blowing me off or lying about where he is when it is obvious he is off with Felix. I pretend it is fine but after being told “Sorry mate, I’m really busy today” for the fifth time, I stop bothering to ask him out. It isn’t that I don’t want them to hang out, I just wish that Chan would at least make one day free to be with me, not just use all his time on Felix.

Chan had wanted Felix back for a long time and I knew that but I didn’t think it would be like this; some nights I wanted to run to his apartment just to get one of his hugs I have missed a whole lot over the last two weeks. But I can’t simply due to the fear of whether Felix would be there or not. It would be an understatement and a lie for me to say that I don’t feel lonely without him. Chan has been by my side since Felix left, even when Minho was around. This all made me realise how I took that closeness to granted; the closeness that made me feel secure and wanted.

But now I know I was just compensation for Felix leaving, like a rebound but for friends. It was always said how similar Felix and I were in both age and personality (specifically not looks as Changbin would like to point out, also adding how Felix was cuter). Both of us being playful and loud like kids.

The loneliness that has filled me up recently as I try to live my life as normal feels like knots all scrambled within itself causing a darkness to squeeze against my diaphragm. It is like something is lodged into my gut and every time I take a breath it gets bigger. Each knot represents another part of my life I hate; my failing friendships, my insecurities, my inability to live the life I wanted so badly. Right when I thought everything was going to be ok and I could finally go in the direction I wanted in life, Felix pops up and makes me realise how I never meant something to anyone.

It isn’t like it is the first time I have been used as a replacement for the other boy. The boy with stars on his face; the boy with a smile that could light up a room; the boy whose laugh could instantly bring you happiness; the boy I was once in love with.

Now I just feel cold thinking about him like someone has poured freezing water over my head and has woken me up, making me realise how unaware I was to everyone else. How I had ignored everyone else’s love and friendship just so I could have Felix to myself.

Yet again another way in which I completely fucked up in something.

Each night, the knot in my stomach grows and keeps me from being able to drift off into sleep where I can finally be away from everything else. A part of it angers me at how weak I feel without having someone around me for support but that is the joke isn’t it; Han Jisung can’t have friends because he isn’t a good enough person to be around in the first place.

I can't get rid of any of the thoughts. Rubbing my eyes, the skin begins to become sensitive and sore but I can’t stop. Each tear track burns my cheek and lands on my lips. The salty taste flooded into my mouth. All these things over run my brain leaving me on my bed shaking slightly. Music blasting into my ears to drown out my own ugly sobs and distract me from the things that tug on my heart. 

I try to find the right song, to go through my twitter or instagram, to watch a film but nothing will get rid of this outstanding pain welling up inside. All I feel is weak and vulnerable even though no one is here. I want to pick up the phone and call one of my friends or go online and message someone but then they will see my disgusting state. They will see who I really am: an insecure little bitch who can’t just accept that they are alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter, was going to be a double but i thought i would make chan's next  
IF U LIKE TWITTER AUS OR JUST WANNA FOLLOW TO INTERACT i have two twitter accounts  
@fortheficss for my aus (which im also doing atm) and @thicchen for just my normal account  
please follow if u would like
> 
> sorry it is so short i'm also back at college now so ye im stressed  
thanks for readingggg

**Author's Note:**

> might make into a chapter fic if anyone wants that.


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